I remember the guilt I had as
A nine year old girl
When I kissed another girl
Just for fun.
I wouldn’t have
If she didn’t lead me on
Freckled
Blue eyes
Red-brown hair.
After the first time she kissed me
My heart hurt
She giggled
And we’d do it again
Occasionally with me
Taking the lead.
I remember sleeping at her house
The night of the fourth of July.
See, it was so loud outside
The fireworks amid the humidity
That we held hands
And slept close by
I felt
From her palms
The same fog
That made me dizzy like
Catching fireflies
Beneath the stars.
She always had a mysterious sort of look in her eyes
Right before
And after
A kiss.
It made me want her even more than the last time.
And when we’d wake in the morning
And wave goodbye
I’d be sad
A little
I remember us in her bed
And in mine
On those cozy summer nights.
Compulsively touching and kissing
Each other
Brushing our hands through tangled
Chlorinated hair
And I didn’t want to think about it
Until I was about eleven
When she told me
She was just practicing for her boyfriend.
I broke down
Standing at the end of her bed frame
Gripping the cold metal with my sweaty hands.
At this point
Something
Inside me
Was begging me to stop.
It all reminded me of
Pretty women that sang on stages
And kissed boys.
Mom and dad.
Sure,
We were young,
And that made me wary,
But twelve year old girls
Were supposed to know
Much better.
That’s when I told her
What I thought was true
She begged me to be okay with it
It was our little secret-
Her mouth
Always perfumed
With curiosity
Tasting like the smell of amber.
We had sleep overs like those
For years
Until it stopped.
I miss those nights
Of rolling around with her
And kissing once our parents were asleep
I miss brushing her hair
In a room
Of hollywood lights and thin carpet.
I miss it all to the point where it’s unbearable that I take off my clothes
Get into bed
And cry
Feeling the utter euphoria
Just now realizing
I was in love with that girl.
