(A palindrome poem meant to be read top to bottom,and then bottom to top)

I need to starve my body

because I refuse to believe that

the figure I have is beautiful as it is

my life and

my future

will be defined by my bad choices

I do not accept that this weight

will not stay the same

Because my counting and my tracking and my planning

melt my curves into nothing

My wide hips and my soft thighs and my shapeless waist

transform into hollow expanses

All of the choices and decisions I make

will dig into my soul

My body changes with every pound but it isn’t enough

To believe thata

I am beautiful

is a lie

I am a horrendous monster who no one will ever love

The idea that

my body’s size or shape is not as important as my attitude towards it

stinks of fake kindness

“You would look so pretty if you just lost a little weight!”

I am not willing to spread body positivity

if

I can’t expect society to accept me as I am

My weight is inherently a value of who I am

I refuse to believe that

I can overcome this part of my life.

And my anorexia nervosa will sabotage everything that matters in my life,

unless I learn to shatter its hold on me by reversing this inner mantra of mine.