My parents are fast asleep

I rise upon my feet

walk towards the bedroom door

under the dimming light

a plump young woman fading nightgown

hair down

arms like sausages

lips parted

breathing

out of my comfort zone

kitchen darker than before

cold plastic floor peeling in the corner

heart of hearts beating

is this right?

four white pills in a plastic bottle

full throttle nothing stopping me

do it now

a blue tumbler filled with water

tapping its toes on the counter

waiting

two handfuls of death

the agent and the channel

carrying down my throat

three sour swallows

followed by a silent pause

in bed again

still dark out

there’s nothing but hope

for six full hours

I just might not wake up again